Toothpaste: WTF?

This morning I found myself with a few rare moments of spare time, where no suitable diversions could be found. So I decided to “get things done,” which meant going down to the “Mariner’s Market” to buy toothpaste.

(note: you may ask why I went to Mariner’s and not to one of the thriftier alternatives, e.g. the Family Market or the Surfcrest Market — what it really boils down to is that i hate walking up the hill to the FM — despite its exorbitant prices, Mariner’s is just too damn convenient)

Finding the personal grooming aisle, I ran into a gentleman perusing the toothpaste selection. Almost immediately I felt as confused as he looked. See, my past toothpaste purchasing history has revolved around one thing: vanilla. I go in, find the vanilla and leave. I ignore the multitudes of inferior flavors and consistencies because I know there can only be one king, and the king’s name is vanilla.

But, and here is the important part of my story, because my oral health has been waning in the past few years, my dentist has instructed me to use “sensitive” type tooth paste. Unfortunately, Mariner’s doesn’t carry that type of toothpaste. They don’t even have vanilla! They do have “Whitening,” “Extra-Whitening,” “Tatar Control,” “Plaque Control,” “Breath Control,” “Organic Tartar Control,” “Organic Breath Freshening,” “Extreme Cleaning Formula,” and “Extreme Cleaning Formula w/ Original Taste.” (I guess extreme cleaning formula flavor is just too extreme for some folks).

They also had, what on first glance looked to be a bottle of personal lubricant (a.k.a. “sex lube”). Upon closer inspection, this turned out to be a humorously packaged tooth paste called “Close Up,” which (according to the box) “Cleans, Whitens & Freshens with Mouthwash.” The combination of all three, as well as the novelty of the box made this one the clear winner.

This is the box for "Close Up." I feel like the box designer really thought it was a different product, before being forced to change it halfway through.
This is the bottle of Close Up, which I personally believe is more entertaining (and more confusing) than the box.

This is the bottle of Close Up, which I personally believe is more entertaining (and more confusing) than the box.

(I think it’s worth noting that, while all the other tooth pastes — with the exception of $1.69 Pepsodent — were fully stocked, this was the last box of Close-Up on the shelf)

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One response to “Toothpaste: WTF?

  1. My dad used Close Up exclusively. And now that you’ve pointed out (rightly so) that the packaging makes it look like lube, my entire childhood has been ruined.

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